How my Social Anxiety Looked Like

I had a great fear of anything social. If you were to tell me you were going to take me to a pub I don’t know and meet new people, I would have a total melt down. I would feel my palms begin to sweat, I would feel dizzy and a surge of panic from the depths of my belly flowing violently out of my mouth. I would want to run away and hide until my symptoms and you had gone.

My social anxiety and fear started when I was 15 years old. I was always shy, but it just got worse in the midst of my teenage years. I wanted to go out and be with my friends. I wanted to make new friends. I want to go to out to new places and have a laugh. As the event or situation got closer, I began to feel unwell; stomach ache, sleepless nights and in the end feel too ill to go.

 I would worry about what I would say to people and what they thought of me. Would they think my outfit sucks and I didn’t fit in with their friends? I did use Facebook and I would scrutinise when I didn’t get a like or comment on something, I thought was funny.  In some way I found it easier to communicate on Facebook, however it made my condition worse because I could fall back and stop going out. It became a crutch to a scoial world I wanted to be apart of.

I didn’t feel normal, and therefore thought everyone thought that too. The way people looked at me. If two people were talking and even looked my way, my mind would race thinking of all the outrageous things they could be saying about me… judging me.

I had 2 fantastic friends who accepted me for who I was and would hang out at my house. They would go out and always ask if I wanted to come, but I always refused. My mum would always encourage me to do things and even offered to pay for counselling but I proper lost it, accusing my mum on not understanding and being ashamed of me.

In my 20’s I struggled to date. I saw my two best friends have fun growing in self-confidence and finally meeting partners. I found the thought excruciating, never mind actually going on a date. I then decided to do something about it. I did some research and found other people like me. They gave me confidence and skills to try. I became apart of a community that could empathise with my issue and I didn’t have to apologise anymore.

I started small by envisaging conversations at home. I talked to people who served me coffee as I knew it would be a quick chat and then move on. I recognised my fear and began practising techniques to calm my nervous system down. I recognised my negative self-talk and began to over write with positive self – talk. This part of the process took forever but I’m glad I kept trying.

I got some advice about seeing people as equals and valuing no more than me. It made me less nervous and approached things with an open mind. I thought about what I wanted in a person; in a friend; in a partner. I slowed down my over-active imagination and focussed on what was in front of me there and then.